Comments

Thanks Steve - Great wisdom from your Aunt Roslyn. She is so right. A Brit band called The Tremelos had a hit record in the 60's called "Silence is Golden" - don't you think it is just magical to sometimes enjoy those 'alone' moments? In my view 'Busy' ness should never be defined by the volume of e-mails in your Inbox. I see e-mail as merely a tool (a wonderful tool) to make the connection - the real work will always be proving yourself by your actions - connecting is fantastic but doing your homework and delivering what you say you will do always wins in the end. Your Aunt is a great management Guru – I look forward to her first management book - there are many managers who need her advice :-)

Posted by Trevor Gay at September 23, 2005 3:24 AM

Steve, one of the refrains when using online networking portals [ like LinkedIn and openBC ] is "Just because we can connect, should we?" Some have even asked the question many of us are too afraid even to think aloud "What if everyone got connected to everyone else?" Apart from the fact that alone time is precious [ "me-time" like Oprah raves about ], one cannot even begin to comprehend what would happen if we all connected just for the sake of being connected and having someone's name on our contact list.

It's great to be able to check my contacts list and find the right person for whatever it is that I was looking for, but having everyone on that list would be awfully boring.

Great "inward-looking" moment for me. Thank you Aunt Roslyn!

Posted by Naina Redhu at September 23, 2005 9:15 AM

"Busyness should never be defined by the volume of e-mails in your Inbox" Never a true word spoken or thought. It's amazing to me that many people "know" that in the bigger picture of life, email is not important and yet it now seems to dominate time, thinking and output but does it actually achieve anything, could we live without it and when we end our days will we say "At least I got all my emails done"

Posted by Beverley Hamilton at September 23, 2005 10:24 AM

"Are we just afraid that if we're alone we might have to think? If we have a bad thought, are we afraid we can't face it? Or are we afraid we'll have no thought?"

Great questions!

We just returned to San Francisco after taking a two year sabbatical in the UK. We spent most of our time in Cornwall, a 4 1/2 hour drive from London, in a small village on the north coast. Now that we're back we're realizing just how "noisy" life is here. Physically noisy (e.g. traffic noise), and mentally noisy (e.g. all the options and decisions that need to be made).

We had one cell phone which we barely used (we need two here). We had one car (we need two here). There was one local food shop and one larger food shop 5 miles away (there are a dozen to choose from here). There was one movie theater (there are 10 within 5 miles here). Our circle of friends was small but lovely (we missed our good friends, but lots of them came to visit us). The beach was 50 yards away (and completely empty most of the year). And if you saw a dozen cars a day in the winter that was a big day.

It definitely took some getting used to the quiet -- I personally found the first couple of months very difficult. But once we'd gotten through the withdrawal symptoms, we found time and space and quiet in our lives that we'd never known before.

It was a lovely time...and we hope to do it again soon.

With kindest regards,
-- Frank Leahy

Posted by Frank Leahy at September 23, 2005 1:33 PM

Great wisdom, indeed. I love my alone time. I spend a lot of time driving and I find I spend about equal parts arguing with Rush Limbaugh, arguing with NPR, listening to (or hunting for) good rock stations, and driving in silence. I have composed stories, plans, schemes, and proposals while driving. And yes, I usually stay off the cell phone while tooling down the expressway at 80+.

I've confronted a lot of bad thoughts while driving alone--might-haves, should-haves, why-did-Is, and the whole gamut. I have found it to be very cathartic to let them consume me for a few moments then whack them down to size and eventual disintigration.

I'm not sure why email and cell phones have consumed the lives of so many. sometimes I think they are misused as excuses for communication rather than tools to enhance it. It's easier to flame someone in an email than to face them in person, isn't it? And, maybe it's easier to call the spouse from the supermarket and confirm what kind of flour to buy than to listen to the instructions in the first place.

Posted by Mike at September 23, 2005 2:38 PM

Hey Frank - I lived in Devon for 20 years until last year - the neighbouring county of Cornwall is indeed a wonderful part of the country. Glad you liked it. Cornwall certainly is tranquility personified - hope you visited the Eden Project!

Posted by Trevor at September 24, 2005 4:04 AM

When I'm driving alone, why do I usually have the urge to 'just call' someone? Why is that person sometimes you, Steve?!? I guess we are just close siblings and that is ok, but I can't explain it when that urge is to just yak with someone I don't really have anything to say to. I have found myself in recent months trying to resist the urge and just listen to music, but this urge seems to be part of the US human condition. According to Frank, it doesn't seem to exist in the UK.

Phil Yastrow

Posted by Phil Yastrow at September 24, 2005 9:28 AM

I assure you we have exactly the same issues here in the UK Phil. I always remember my daughter Nadine as a teenager would walk to school with her best friend Amy, spend all day at school with Amy and walk home with Amy ... as soon as my daughter got in the house she would phone Amy presumably to 'catch up.' That may just be a girl thing but it typifies to me a few things. Girls like to talk about how they feel and there is always something to say. Some might say it must be meaningless chat but as anyone with a teenage girl will know that is an argument you are bound to lose as a parent.

I am just like you Phil - if I am driving on a long journey it gives me a chance to catch up on - usually business - phone calls between Lonestar tracks :-)

Posted by Trevor at September 24, 2005 10:14 AM

Hello Steve. You have thrown very interesting questions. I´d like to answer you with an statement of Ronald Fairbairn. Fairbairn was a psychiatrist and he outlined a theory of human motivation in contrast(not to say in opposition) with the Freudian model. Fairbairn said "We are constantly seeking objects (other people in the psychoanalytic jargon), not pleasure".

I think Fairbairn found out that we need the interaction with other people because we are "designed" to live connected.

Very interesting question, Steve.

Posted by Felix Gerena at September 24, 2005 10:45 AM

Well, of course, connecting is often good. Yes, Phil and I talk a lot by cell phone, but we've lived halfway across the country from each other for 20 years, and have managed to stay as much a part of each other's lives as brothers who live in the same city.

So, like many tools in life, our ability for instantaneous electronic long-distance connection is a good thing that can, unchecked, be a crutch that numbs us from our immediate surroundings, and ourselves. The trick is to connect for the purpose of meaningful connection, but not connect just to avoid pondering your immediate surroundings.

I, pesonally, have avoided getting into instant messaging, for the sole purpose of being able to control the barrage of information coming at me and, also, to control my urge to spew information out. At this point in my life it seems to cross a line that will be more distracting than useful. Thoughts?

Posted by Steve Yastrow at September 24, 2005 8:57 PM

Imagine a place where everyone is connected to everyone else. These places do exist. They are called small towns. And, they don't even have a technical network.

Some people don't like small towns either.

Posted by David Locke at September 25, 2005 9:28 PM

Steve and David, perhaps there was a missing point in my comment. I meant we feel the need to be connected though as you two remark, this does not mean to be connected with everybody all the time.

I like preserving an sphere of intimacy. A good conversation must be one you enjoy, not one that annoyes. It is good to have a standard way of dealing with the messages you get everyday, in order to be open to connections, but free in your actions.

Posted by Felix Gerena at September 26, 2005 4:52 AM

Hi David - very profound comment. We just bought the new Lonestar CD "Coming Home" and there is a track on that called 'Little Town' - I agree wtih your sentiments entirely by the way having been born and raised in a small village in England. Population about 700. Hope you don't mind me reproducing the lyrics as a free plug for Lonestar but they are very apt methinks. I get no royalites by the way :-) but Annie and I just love the band and our only regret is they destined not to tour England. anyway here are the lyrics;

If you blink, you might miss it:
Population: 803.
Five miles long, four miles wide: feels just right to me.
Where a handshake still means something,
An' the little man still counts.
Water tastes like it's supposed to:
Yeah, folks 'round here are proud,
To be from a little town.

Well, the stars, they just seem brighter,
An' the pace is nice an' slow.
An' families stay together.
God must be smilin' down here on little town.

There's a cardboard lemonade stand at the end of our drive.
For fifty cents, they'll fill you up:
He's seven an' she's five.
An' in the Fall, there's Football Fridays:
We pack the kids an' we head out.
We climb the stands and pass the band,
And join the hometown crowd,
An' scream for little town.

Well, the stars, they just seem brighter,
An' the pace is nice an' slow.
An' families stay together.
God must be smilin' down here on little town.
Aren't you glad we settled down here in little town?

If you blink, you might miss it:
Population: 803.
Five miles long, four miles wide: feels just right to me.

Posted by Trevor at September 26, 2005 5:09 AM

Connections without engagement,

What is it about virtual connections that are so easy to make or break? Maybe it's the fear of investing time and oneself and one's emotions into a relationship that we are so scared about....

We are all running from our own intensities ...

Posted by gautam ghosh at September 26, 2005 12:19 PM

Sorry for the slow response; Hurrincane Rita preperations and restoration have taken up much of the last few days. Should we connect with people? Yes! Do we have to be connected to everyone via multiple media channels 24X7? No!
I have found good communication with my contacts keeps me from being barraged through technology channels.

The first step I did was to invest is a great web-based e:mail that does not let any spam hit my inbox and I opt out of all "Joke of the Day" e:mail blasts. I ask people to send me an e:mail when they have something they want to share with me and I do likewise.

I am fortunate to work out of my home 98% of the time. My company sponsors an instant message tool that serves as a "virtual watercooler" for me and other virtual office employees. I have people trained to check my "status" which lets people know if this is a good time to just chat or to pick my brain. Personal instant messaging also is a cost effective way to stay in touch with family and friends multiple time-zones away.

It is hard to strike that balance where technology enhances your relationship with people in your life; but, does not become your sole means of making a connection.

Posted by Rachel Gulen at September 27, 2005 8:14 AM