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dispatches from the new world of work

More "Tricks of the Trade"

It's no secret, for guys at least, that a firm handshake administered while looking the shakee directly in the eye is a big deal. I'd add that frequency matters a lot, too. I started to say, "While I'm no politician ..." But of course I am. Anyone aiming to bring about change is a politician by definition. (It's just that some deny it—the word for them is "clueless.") Back to frequency: I purposefully reach out (literally) to shake as many hands as possible—and often a couple of times. I find it makes a big difference. ("Shake your way to success"?) (Is this as big a deal for women?? Regardless of gender, limp-sweaty handshakes are, um, not very good advertisements. Don't bother reminding me that "crusher handshakes" are just as bad—I agree without prompting.)

More Body Language. It's a commonplace observation that folding your arms in front of you is a "put-off" gesture. (Big time.) A friend who, among other things, works on customer friendliness in hospitals, Dr Thom Mayer, really whacks on Docs for folding their arms in front of them while addressing patients. Well, believe it or not, I have a deep-seated shyness streak. (No joke. A lot of good "stage performers" do.) And I often find myself hiding behind folded arms; so much so that it's physically difficult for me to unfold, even around friends. After re-reading a body language book I was asked to endorse (and did endorse), I renewed my commitment to become more conscious of this wretched gesture. In the short term my conscious reminders are helping a bit. I urge you to tread the same path.

Bottom bottom line: Body Language matters. A lot. Employee entrances (corporate body language). Hand shakes. Folded arms. Et cetera.

Tom Peters posted this on 03/23/06.

Comments

90% non-verbal - the arm crossing is a riddle - some I know do it as simply a habitual posture pose - don't realize how it looks like a coverup ...

Posted by Sean at March 23, 2006 11:32 AM

I know what you mean about being an extrovert "on stage" and an introvert the rest of the time. I am like that, too.

I find it hard to believe that with all the talk about how important a firm handshake is, that so many men and women still give limp fish shakes.

As a woman, I will tell you I appreciate a good firm handshake from both genders. To me it "seals the deal" that we have are on the way to opening a relationship and/or that we have established a relationship.

Posted by Theresa Frasch at March 23, 2006 11:45 AM

I have noticed handshakes have become more frequent as I have got older. I wondered if it were just me but I realise now something is going on. Even us Brits who are known for our stiff upper lip are becoming more tactile. Hugs are commonplace now too. More of it I say - even us men can show emotion!! I cry often and I am proud of it.

Posted by Trevor at March 23, 2006 12:12 PM

Cry often - Trevor - say its not true :>} - local bumper sticker "Gun control means both hands on the gun".

Posted by Sean at March 23, 2006 12:49 PM

Good heavens. Crossed arms often means someone is simply cold or they use it as a resting position as others have noted here. Whoever told us it means closed and defensive has done a real disservice. A gesture doesn't "mean anything" other than the inferernces others choose to associate with it.

We have to remember that body language is often as imprecise as verbal language and that different gestures mean different things in different countries. Global citizen that you are, you certainly know that, but too many people still judge people by body language from the meaning their native country attaches to it as opposed to the other possible meanings it might suggest.

Posted by Jeffrey at March 23, 2006 1:08 PM

Jeffrey has made a good point - different cultures have "different concepts" of what body language means or doesn't mean. There are too many to mention here.

I started out in my late teens learning "body language" - from the writings of Alan Pease... however - after a few years I realised it was not the be all that BL is supposed to be.

Some woman will cross their arms because their chest is cold (they didn't bring a sweater!) or to "lift" those assets... not because they're "closed" or whatever other theory is being used for BL.

After years of study, feedback, seminars and MORE seminars... I have adopted probably the best way to deal with body language - using the mirror or match method. Not sure if it was Erickson or Bandler & Grinder who made this popular - BUT - TOM - you'll find it easier to remember this - than to remember to unfold your arms!

Simple match or mirror what the other person is doing. Copying is another term - but not quite.

Mirror: If they have their left hand in their pocket, you have your right.

Match: If they have their left hand in their pocket - so do you.

I have never been able to tell what which works better - mirror or match - but it's a lot better than "assuming" the other person is closed. Plus you'll have fun with it - when you swap from mirror to match - even when they don't.

And even if their arms are crossed - and you mirror or match that - you'll still have a better rapport with them - that you can then LEAD them to FOLLOW you when YOU uncross your arms............. certainly better than "ASS-uming" they're "closed" during that moment in time.
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Posted by ovlas at March 23, 2006 4:43 PM

I agree with the Jeffrey from a philosphical point of view that it is difficult to read anything into body language at times. BUT I still think it is key to understand the differing cultural results.

How many westerners bow when meeting someone from Japan? Not bowing is like ignoring someone with their hand out to shake in the States. Literally refusing to shake hands.

We can plead ignorance but the insult has already been delivered.

Posted by Jeff at March 23, 2006 5:05 PM

Not all the time Sean - just quietly and to myself!

Posted by Trevor at March 23, 2006 5:30 PM

I feel very comfortable about the crossed arms postition. First off It is like a hug to oneself. I have checked in with myself while doing this. My breathing is more calm and consistant. My attention to what the other person is saying is more focused. I believe that the crossed arm thing being a sign of ones negative intentions may be a myth passed on by those who feel uncomfortable talking to someone with crossed arms. Next time you cross your arms check in how does it feel how does it change the way you engage with others. The real challenge is re assuring the other person that your nonverbal language means something that just might be positive.

Posted by Gary Fox at March 23, 2006 6:04 PM

Top-10 Body Language tips

1) Eye contact - Maintaining good eye contact shows respect and interest in what they have to say.

2) Posture - Get your posture right and you'll automatically start feeling better, as it makes you feel good almost instantly.

3) Head position - When you want to feel confident and self assured keep your head level both horizontally and vertically.

4) Arms - Keep your arms out to the side of your body or behind your back.

5) Legs - Keep them as still as possible in most situations, especially at interviews or work meetings. Be careful too in the way you cross your legs.

6) Angle of the body in relation to others gives an indication of our attitudes and feelings towards them.

7) Hand gestures â€“ Palms up and outward is seen as open and friendly. Palm down gestures are generally seen as dominant, emphasizing and possibly aggressive, especially when there is no movement or bending between the wrist and the forearm.

8) Distance from others is crucial if you want to give off the right signals.

9) Ears, yes your ears play a vital role in communication with others, even though general terms most people can't move them much, if at all.

10) Mouth movements can give away all sorts of clues. We purse our lips and sometimes twist them to the side when we're thinking. Another occasion we might use this movement is to hold back an angry comment we don't wish to reveal.

Posted by K.Sriram at March 24, 2006 1:23 AM

I've been getting into coaching recently - some of the most profound stuff I have read and talked to people about is body language, rapport and mirroring (i.e. matching the other person to a certain extent). The profound part is most of the new thinking on this is debunking this stuff.

You cannot fake this stuff. If you are really interested in the other person your body language will take care of itself (the opposite is also true!) so if you catch yourself doing the "wrong" body language don't try to fix it - fix your attitude to the other person.

You cannot fake being interested - you have to BE interested

Posted by PaulH at March 24, 2006 3:38 AM

Sriram - echo the distance thing - some keep moving too close - like to let them move me back a few times - then brief them on cultural IQ & distance nuance.

Posted by Sean at March 24, 2006 9:24 AM

@ Sriram and Sean re: distance.

I couldn't agree more. I find that if you can stretch your arm and only when REACHING are able to touch, then you're as close as you need to be, unless you are trying to ask somebody to marry you.

That also fits with a comfortable distance when 'meeting in the middle' for handshakes.

Otherwise - re: posture, handshakes etc. - I find that if you act like you MEAN IT, then you're fine.

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Simple things like walking onto a stage (are you listening, Tom?) can easily be a corny thing. Don't rush, don't hold back, walk with a purpose. You know where you're going, and you know what you are going to do, so in the immortal words of 'Nike' - Just do it!

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@ Sriram ... You got me at 5). My legs insist on some sort of constant movement.

7) Is just bang on. Try to hold that though when attempting a handshake. Instead of having your hand in a vertical position, slant it a little bit palm up. It's SO much more inviting and 'dangerless'.

Posted by Lars Olufsen at March 24, 2006 10:34 AM