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Business Decoder
Remember my recent Charles Handy post: "One bank is currently claiming to 'leverage its global footprint to provide effective financial solutions for its customers by providing a gateway to diverse markets.' I assume that it is just saying that it is there to 'help its customers wherever they are.'"
Well, Charles got me thinking. Hence I offer, in his name, the beginning of "Tom's New Biz Decoder":
"Disruptive technology."
"Seriously cool shit" (Model T, Debit cards, Corvettes, iPods, Cirque du Soleil, Google, etc)
"Design-centric"
"Seriously cool shit"
"Competitive advantage"
"Seriously cool shit"
"Business Model"/"Business Case"
"How we plan to make a buck"
"Empowerment"
"Trust"
"Customer-centric"
"We, uh, sorta think customers are important"
"Talent-centric"
"Best people win"/"Recruit and nurture best people"
"Value-added"
"Do more stuff than the next guy"
"Sustainable value-added advantage"
"Keep doin' more stuff than the next guy"
"One stop shopping" ("financial services super-market," etc)
"We're buying up every piece of crap we can lay our hands on that's even vaguely related to our business"
"Core competence"
"Stuff we're better at than you are"
"MBWA"
"Get out of the bloody office"
"Blog"
"Conversation"
"Pod-cast"
"Party-line"
"Viral marketing"
"Please tell your friends how cool we are"
"Synergistic acquisition"
"I want to be bigger than him" (CEO v CEO at Fortune-sponsored cocktail parties)
"Economies of scale"
"We can't outthink 'em, but maybe we can out-blubber 'em" (Sumonomics?)
"Competitive executive pay"
"The amazing shit you can get away with if you've got the right exec comp consultant"
"Board accountability"
"See no evil, hear no evil, etc, etc is out in the Age of Spitzer"
"Work 'smart'"
"I'm too tired to work hard"
"Sarbanes-Oxley"
"Ha, caught you bastards cookin' the books"
"Over-zealous regulatory policy"
"We got nabbed"
"Wellness strategy"
"Run more, eat less"
"Brand you"
"You're on your own, dude"
"Wow project"
"Finish the damn job on time for once"
"Marketing"
"Rich man's questionable alternative to old-fashioned s-e-l-l-i-n-g'"
"Blue ocean strategy"
"Hit 'em where they ain't" (Wee Willie Keeler, 1st NL batting champ)
"Decentralization"
"Get the hell out of the way"
"Built to last"
"Too big to kill"* (*Definition to be revised if GM tanks)
"Six-sigma"
"Bully for us! Our stuff works!"
"Quarterly earnings obsession"
"Bloody shareholders keep wantin' us to make a profit"
"Business Process Re-engineering"
"You won't believe how much the software we're trying to sell you will cost"
"Business Process Re-engineering"
"You won't believe how many consultants it will take to install the software we're trying to sell you"
"Solutions selling"
"We can't make it on the product, so we're going into consulting just like everybody else"
"Outsourced"
"We couldn't figure out how to do anything that anybody would pay for"
"Virtual organization"
"Do it all yourself is stupid, stupid"
"Knowledge capital"
"Ideas"
"Knowledge capital accumulation"
"Lots of ideas"
"Diversity"
"Enough non-white guys in group photos to keep the EEOC off our backs"
Your turn ...
ARCHIVES
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Before blogging became all the rage, Tom was posting book reviews and Observations (essentially early blog posts) to this site. You can find the archives below.
What Tom's Reading Archives
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OBSERVATIONS ARCHIVES
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What we're talking about
on the front page.
Comments
"Partnership"
"I'll help you serve and sell more/better"
"Entrepreneurship"
"I'll set up a company so that I and my people in the company will help you serve and sell more/better"
"Joint venture"
"My company and your company will serve and sell a hell of a lot more/better if I'm motivated to work even more."
Tag!
Posted by Arun Sadhashivan at April 24, 2006 10:53 AM
"We regret any inconvenience you may experience."
"WE DON'T GIVE A HOOT"
Posted by Joe Dillon at April 24, 2006 11:12 AM
MBWA = management by cruising around - Starbucks mantra.
Posted by Sean at April 24, 2006 11:30 AM
Obsolete "affirmative" action -
Concentrate on radical performance action
Posted by Sean at April 24, 2006 11:36 AM
Teamwork.
"Everybody doing what they're paid to do and keeping out of each others' way!"
Posted by Mike at April 24, 2006 12:09 PM
Divesting ourselves of redundant resources in order to capitalize on inherent synergies.
"We got bought and have to lay a bunch of people off (however, senior management will be gracefully "retired" as a reward for screwing everything up)."
Posted by Mike at April 24, 2006 12:12 PM
"Web 2.0"
"Turn on the Javascript and DHTML so that we can relive the dot com boom...and crash."
Posted by Chris Elliott at April 24, 2006 12:45 PM
"Balanced Scorecard"
"There must be something we're good at..."
Posted by Bill Berry at April 24, 2006 2:32 PM
Brilliant!
Posted by Bob Hail at April 24, 2006 3:43 PM
“Value propositionâ€
“How WE will make lots of money when you buy from USâ€
“Think out of the boxâ€
“Now, come up with creative ways to sell the same old productâ€
“Proposalâ€
“Formal document sent to prospective customer, copy to R&D named ‘Wish List’â€
“Customer focusâ€
“Make them buy, no matter how crappy the product isâ€
â€Customer centricâ€
“Make them buy; no matter how crappy the product is, even if they say noâ€
“Customer Relationship Managementâ€
“EVERYONE in our company now contact customers; trying to make them buy our crappy product, ESPECIALLY when they say noâ€
“Corporate Brandingâ€
“Same old crappy product, shiny new logotypeâ€
â€Visual Identityâ€
“Shiny new logotype EVERYWHERE, even on the old crappy productâ€
“Product Life Cycleâ€
“Think of a very short time period, divide by threeâ€
“Commoditizationâ€
“Your worst nightmare; happens while you sleep, comes back every nightâ€
Posted by Fred W at April 24, 2006 9:34 PM
'Let's get together and discuss it.'
'Some ****ing stupid business meeting.'
Posted by gulliver at April 25, 2006 4:58 AM
Porters 5 Forces
People who force money out of you
1 Your wife
2 Your mother-in-law
3 Your son/ daughter
4 Your mistress
5 The government
Posted by jay at April 29, 2006 8:30 AM
where was this when I was at Gartner (the IT research firm) and we were chruning out TLAs - ERP, CRM, SOA etc etc each stamping authority on another major IT boondogle...
Posted by vinnie mirchandani at May 1, 2006 1:19 PM
very good, read my anti jargon blog at http://mindyourlanguage.blogspot.com/
Posted by will at May 2, 2006 5:49 AM