Comments

One of the hardeset lessons to learn as a "grown-up" is when not to speak up. Being a problem solver, this is particularly difficult for me. But, yes, sometimes we humans just need a little non-verbal support.

Posted by Mary Schmidt at August 29, 2006 9:17 AM

Watering friendships with quiet support is a great thing. I too struggle with shutting up, but sometimes circumstances go beyond words, advice or counsel. Sometimes there's simply nothing to say. At other times nothing needs to be said. I suppose wisdom is knowing when words are needed, as well as what words are needed. Thanks for sharing the moment.

Posted by Randy Cantrell at August 29, 2006 9:49 AM

I am involved in a prison ministry called Kairos...our credo is "Listen, Listen, Love, Love".....

Posted by J D Duncan at August 29, 2006 10:23 AM

Good advice here Tom. I think it also applies to 21st century leadership as compared to management in that leadership is IMHO more about "who" rather than "what" I am.

I'm reminded also of the comment from a Chief Exec I coached where he said "I thought I'd made it when I became a CEO. Then I realised the plate on the door didn't mean anything until I started being a CEO - ie thinking and operating as one".

Posted by Steve Gorton at August 29, 2006 11:00 AM

Tom

Breadth and Depth are opposit to each other most of the time.

Broad attention is needed most of the time, but there are moments when you need to look deeply at things.

The polarization between extraverts (breadth) and introverts (depth) can throw light on this.

It´s almost impossible to make lasting impact unless you touch deep feelings, and this implies DEPTH.

Can you be broad and deep at the same time?
Pathway to lasting change.....

Saludos

Posted by Gerson Barbosa at August 29, 2006 11:37 AM

'Silence is Golden' - great song by 'The Merseys' a band from Liverpool in the Beatles era early 60's. So true.

I remember having a counseling session one time when I sat for almost an hour in total silence with a counselor because that seemed right. Not sure whether it worked but it ‘stopped the world’ for an hour at a time I needed it. We underestimate the value of silence a lot. It’s all that’s needed sometimes for a person to offload their thoughts.

Posted by Trevor Gay at August 29, 2006 11:47 AM

Quakers have long used the value of silence as a means to achieve clarity.

Posted by Jeffrey at August 29, 2006 12:44 PM

Trevor - thanks - the "Silence" reference is indeed golden. Solitude and conveying energy non-verbally is certainly priceless and energizing - love/absorb the beauty & quiet of Mother Nature!

Posted by sean at August 29, 2006 1:43 PM

I have been married 32 years, and I still think that when my wife shares a personal or professional problem, my job is to solve that problem. Wrong! She reminds me. She is perfectly capable of finding solutions to problems, no matter their depth. My job: Sit quietly (i.e., shut up), listen and share the moment.

I can't wait for the next opportunity. I hope I can keep my lips pressed together and my tongue from wagging.

Posted by Lewis Green at August 29, 2006 2:38 PM

We live in a chaotic society today. And often we feel totally alone in our quest to navigate the stormy seas. Having someone to just be with can be an extreme comfort.

When you can't be there in person, leave a message or shoot an email saying "You are not alone, I'm here for you and I'm only a phone call away."

Just knowing that...matters.

Posted by Lora Adrianse at August 29, 2006 3:49 PM

I was a member of a counseling group in college, and we received a bit of training on how to do so effectively. The main idea behind what we were doing: passive counseling. We learned to actively listen, letting the individual recount their story. We would never mention any idea that they did not explicitly bring up (it would be our idea, not theirs), and we did a lot of "summarizing." In essence, we practiced "being there" for people by providing an outlet for their thoughts and keeping them on track (the occasional summaries reminded people what they were talking about lest they digress). Despite our lack of action, I heard "Thank you so much, you really helped me figure this out," quite a bit. All the while they were the only ones figuring out their issues.

Interesting parallel to WoW! Project workshops. Participants come in seeking guidance, and they receive the necessary stimulus to provide their own solution. If you give a man a fish, he eats for an evening, but if you teach him how to fish, he eats for life...

Tom - thanks for teaching so many people how to fish.

Posted by Nick Adams at August 29, 2006 4:18 PM

Sometimes people continue talking because they feel is the only way to get a solution... But that's not true

Continue talking when feelings are out of control tell you you should stop!

Consider this:

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" James 1.19 (NIV)

Pura vida Tom!

Posted by Johan Murillo at August 29, 2006 6:35 PM

Another powerful Quaker saying goes something like this:
"Speak only when it can improve upon the silence."

James 1:19 is one of my favorite (read most needed) verses and applies in many situations.

Posted by John at August 29, 2006 8:16 PM

As I read these comments I wonder why it is an absence of something can be so correct/powerful/spiritual all at the same time?

Something I'll need to noodle.

Posted by Stephen at August 29, 2006 10:01 PM

May I ask you Tom, you were sitting on the same posture as your partner did, while both of you were in silence, weren't you?

Posted by Teerasak Wongpiya at August 30, 2006 5:01 AM

Interesting points on "being there" and "listening." I've always been amazed that in Western Society "communication" seems to be equated with "speaking," "presenting," "delivering," etc. with little thought to the other "half" of the equation: "listening," "interpeting," "assimilating," "integrating," etc. If someone is considered a "great communicator" that person is assumed to be an articulate if not eloquent speaker, period. There's something seriously wrong with this model. I bet we've all had the experience Tom describes in which satisfying communication occurred when "all" we contributed to a converation was our "listening." There's also a common assumption that effective listening doesn't involve the same degree of choice and skill as effective speaking.

Posted by John O'Leary at August 30, 2006 9:52 AM

My professional background is Career Counselling and I found that I became more effective in assisting many of my clients once I learned to "shut up" and not fill all the 'awkward' silences.(Still forget this sometimes) As Johan says continuing to talk doesn't always get us nearer to a solution.

Don't know where I heard this but 'silent' 'listen' and 'enlist' are all anagrams of each other. Sometines we have a better chance of enlisting a client/customer/colleagues commitment to us when we shut up and listen.

Posted by tomjam at August 30, 2006 10:06 AM

Dear Mr Tom Peters:

Hard parts in life make us realize we are all humans.

We can be great achievers, leaders, strategist, etc, etc. but when it comes a time when we need to solve a problem that deepens in ourselves, it is only on those times when we understand what is important in life.

My father had Cancer and our business almost broke on that time.

He finally got cured, thanks God. That time was one of the most difficult time in my life...and there I found that life is the most important thing.

But also I found that simple things in life are the most important.

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I hope people can change, this will make a real difference.

With my best regards

Posted by Juan Miguel Robles at August 30, 2006 11:05 AM

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Posted by Trevor Gay at August 30, 2006 11:21 AM

One of my professors, years ago, said that part of our problem with listening is that we aren't listening to what the other person is saying. We are listening for when they stop talking so we can start talking.

Posted by m cipolla at August 30, 2006 11:46 AM

At times, the most important gift that we can give to another is the gift of listening.

Posted by L A Brown at August 30, 2006 2:33 PM

An old saying says "We have two ears for listening and one mouth for talking, use them in that proportion"

Cheers

Posted by Steve Gray at August 30, 2006 7:23 PM

"Thanks for being here" AND "thanks for the memories" - that would have been really cool if he'd added that immortal line from Bob Hope.

Especially if he started singing it and then there would have been a tsunami of laughter - the perfect tonic [except for gin & tonic of course].

Posted by sean at August 31, 2006 8:11 AM

I recently spent 6 months off work with my secoond major bout of depression. Therapy has worked wonders but being on my own gave me time to consider my interactions with the world.

So often during my illness friends gave me the advice they wanted to hear and instead of listening to my feelings, they tried to correct them.

What a valuable learning experience, listening and trying to understand is. I am stunned by the simplicity of it and determined to do it more and better.

Posted by Helen Harris at September 7, 2006 5:32 AM