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"I Apologize"
Pride goeth before the fall—I just made that up. Okay, I didn't, but here's my corollary: "If in doubt ... apologize."
"I'm sorry" goes a long, long way and defuses many a volatile situation, and helps avoid many a severed personal or business relationship.
I was recently in an equivocal situation. There was a screw-up of some significance. I was "party" to the problem, but I do truly think I'm but 10% of the reason for the mess. But why the hell let something fester? I decided to take the heat; I not only apologized, but penned (yes, "penned") a note of apology which I FedExed to the aggrieved party.
I did feel awful for the mess, no matter whose doing it was—so the whole thing was genuine. And I'd add: It "worked." That is, a breach that could have widened or deepened was not only avoided, but the aftermath was a more positive relationship than before.
Whose fault was it? Truly? Truly: It doesn't matter a wit. It's seldom clear whose fault it is—except to your ego. As I said before: Pride goeth before the fall. ("Pride maketh the fall"—not too pretty, but that one is mine.)
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Comments
I'm in a musical mood this pm in England ... Elton John's 'Sorry seems to be the hardest word' - more profound and simple wisdom through lyrics. Well said Tom.
Posted by Trevor Gay at August 29, 2006 11:50 AM
" ... better to ask forgiveness [apologize] than to ask permission." Diplomatic charming aggression wins the day.
Posted by sean at August 29, 2006 12:20 PM
Kennedy re: Bay of Pigs
Posted by Scott Segal at August 29, 2006 1:13 PM
Yes, I agree, but I cannot stand the following type of "apology":
'I did something wrong. Will you forgive me?'
Where is the apology? And now you want forgiveness? Where are the words, "I am sorry"?
Requests for forgiveness have no place in a proper apology. Make your apologies and allow the other party the option of forgiveness.
Posted by Jack at August 29, 2006 1:40 PM
I've always erred on the side of being the sorry-sayer, but in the last couple of years I've discovered an exception I need to make more and more often.
In some organizations if the group has collaborated on the fubar, and one person chooses to take the lead apology, several of the others will use that as an excuse to (a) sluff responsibility and (b - worse) not make changes to prevent it again.
One of my current clients has a manager who behaves this way, and it's becoming contagious...as long as you can avoid being pinned, you can continue on as before with comfortable (if undermining) habits.
I've been forced to not just take the hit for the group when it comes up.
I don't have enough data yet, but I think it's a sub-generational issue (not that all the people who behave this way are from a single sub-gen nor that everyone in that sub-gen acts that way...just that there seems to be a correlation of some significance).
Posted by jeff angus at August 29, 2006 1:41 PM
Jeff - I agree - in a corporate setting almost NEVER be apologetic. The one being such SHALL incur all manner of wrath in the future = a SCAPEgoat is born.
TP can take [ingeniously] the fall for TP Inc. and be a hero = gains even more loyalty from his talented, brilliant, devious, creative-innovative minions.
Posted by sean at August 29, 2006 1:55 PM
My challenge: To reduce the volume so that I don't find myself in Groundhog Day Apology Mode. The broken record of apologies coming from the same player can be a deal breaker.
Posted by Lewis Green at August 29, 2006 2:41 PM
I, too, have been the one to make an apology knowing full well I was only a small part of the problem. Two major things to note: 1) some of your esteemed colleagues will use it as cover for themselves + a chance to scapegoat you... so have some cover of your own available for any recriminations; 2) when you apologise in this way to the customer, you spend a little bit of your credibility reserves. Spend / invest wisely.
Posted by MarkJF at August 29, 2006 4:44 PM
A well placed or well meant apology can defuse considerable tension when things start to go wrong.
I believe strongly in the value of sincerity but have noticed a disturbing trend in "no-blame" organisations where indivduals have chosen to interpret this as "no responsibility" and hence avoid the idea of apologising when their project goes down the toilet.
An apology, when you've messed up, should be the first part of turning it into a learning experience rather than trying to hide.
Posted by Gordon at August 30, 2006 9:57 AM
Gordon - too true! A colleague of mine had an idea to staff most of our seasonal labour requirement with a pool of temps we'd train some 3 months in advance but then hire on a day-to-day basis when we saw what the volumes were. (Previously we'd given people fixed term contracts for a few months over the summer: it encouraged some loyalty and quality.) I hated the idea, the bean-counters loved it, it got implemented.
On Tuesday, explaining our very disappointing service levels, reduced productivity and higher costs, the guy said this has happened (I kid you not), "because of a non-recurring weakness in this year's temporary labour market."
I don't want to scapegoat the guy but I found it funny / odd / worrying that not one person who was party to the decision was prepared a) to ask what this unspecified, "non-recurring weakness" was; or b) to say it seemed like a good idea at the time but turned out to be an impractical one so in the absence of any other ideas let's revert to the original approach.
Posted by Mark JF at August 31, 2006 2:55 AM
Right on Gordon. Mistakes and error are a part of life. Don't plot, posture, or pose an apology. Be honest and simply admit your concern and your disappointment in your poor choice of.....
Honesty and openness leads to trust and respect. Any organization, regardless of the size, benefits from people willing to communicate without hidden agendas and purposes. People with integrity and character.
Like so many things in business, topics like this one are manipulated well beyond "What would mom tell me to do," and end up somewhere far from where the "swamp" was going to be drained.
Keep it simple, own up, and move on. It feels great!
Posted by Dave Sovde at August 31, 2006 10:48 AM