dispatches from the new world of work

100 (Or So) Ways to Succeed #102:

Purposefully Practice Listening
(And "Hearing")

I'm dealing with a thorny problem. Even thought of calling my shrink—he's my "life coach" as much as my esteemed mental health advisor.

In the end I didn't call him. And you can thank crosstown Manhattan Christmas traffic for that.

I inveterately chat with cabbies—about life, not the weather. This driver-advisor-to-be had been around the circuit a couple of times, as, indeed, I have as well. I laid out my issue pretty damn directly. All issues are the same—in the end, relationship issues (see above). His thoughts were "obvious" (all useful thoughts are, in retrospect) and really turned my thinking on its ear.

On the one hand, I was making idle chatter, as I am wont to do; on the other hand, I really wanted to get his reaction. His take on human interaction is likely to be more profound than mine—given his natural laboratory. I'm almost loath to admit it, though I don't know why, but I actually jotted a couple of notes on my Amtrak ticket stub while he was talking. I gave him a healthy Christmas tip, but the fact is that his advice was priceless— or at least a lot cheaper than my psychiatrist's invoice.

In the last couple of weeks, I've talked about Dave Isay's book, Listening Is an Act of Love, and cool friend Matthew Kelly's The Dream Manager. Both are books about stories and listening and hearing. As is my little "Manhattan Cabbie's Tale." If relationships are "everything" (they are), then listening-hearing-story collecting is Tool #1. Stephen Covey and others are wonderful instructors on this topic. I will not attempt to copy them. My suggestion is simpler: During this holiday season, you'll likely go to cocktail parties, open presents, attend family dinners. While not aiming to spoil your spontaneity, I'd suggest that each of these occasions is an opportunity to purposefully practice listening-hearing-story collecting. I have no tricks, except to say tune deliberately into the process. If you want to give yourself an exam, at the end of the party or whatever, review what you heard-learned that was new about an old friend; I learn new stuff about 20-year friends when I really work on my listening-hearing. And keep in mind, as lodestar, the words from Dale Carnegie: "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

Tom Peters posted this on 12/10/07.

Comments

Ah, Tom. It's another case when mother was right. She and my father often had dinner parties for people who attended his downtown church or were friends of those members. She kept index cards on each and before each party sat my sister and me down for preparation. Mr. So-and-So we were told loved sailing. Miss Such-and-Such loved modern art. Dr. Somebody-or-other was passionately interested in charity work in South America.

Mother's goal was straightforward. We were part of the host team and we were to be good hosts. That meant that we adhered to Mom's First Rule of Dinner Parties: Never ask a person if they're interested in what you like, always ask about they subjects they're passionate about.

Posted by Wally Bock at December 10, 2007 3:48 PM

Maybe all Psychiatrists - as part of their training - would do well to spend time listening to Cab drivers. As always - the front liners know the answers.

Posted by Trevor Gay at December 10, 2007 5:59 PM

It's about balance. Listening is great. But asking provocative questions and stating strong opinions are also important parts of any relationship. I know a few people who only listen. I don't know where they stand on any issue. Even when asked he/she responds, "I'm more interested in what you think." I would hate to be at a cocktail party with Tom Peters in which he only listened.

Posted by Paul Thornton at December 10, 2007 7:54 PM

Paul - this is why I love doing coaching so much - it's that combination of deep listening and provocative (in the nice sense of the word) questions that makes it so powerful. Asking powerful questions is a key part of strong listening they are not really separate.

Tom thank you for raising this topic - this stuff is so important. Going back to the admitting you don'y know entry. Being able to get the best out of the experts around you is THE key skill in leadership for the 21st C. To do that you have to admit you don't know and know how to listen. It's easy to listen to people you like or admire but sometimes that expertise is locked up in some pretty wierd people. It's sometimes hard to listen

Posted by PaulH at December 11, 2007 3:08 AM

With all due respect, I wonder just how much the cabbie was "deep listening" and if so, was he focused on the road ahead?!

I think that very often it is the simple act of talking aloud that makes us prioritise and order our thoughts into a coherent pattern from which the solution becomes clear. Cabbies, barmen, barbers and others often make great sounding boards. It'd be interesting to hear the cabbie's take on it: "I had that Tom Peters in the cab today and..."

Posted by Mark JF at December 11, 2007 5:08 AM

Listening and hearing is one side of the communication coin. Without it we just make noise.
Nice post.

Posted by Small Business Marketing at December 11, 2007 5:14 AM

Wally, fabulous! Mark JF, no "due respect" due but thanks, no need to focus on the road when going Crosstown in Manhattan, based on his thoughtful response I'd say he was doing a pretty good approximation of "deep listening." buy viagra online worldwide

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Posted by tom peters at December 11, 2007 5:28 AM

Love this quote by Andre Gide (French writer, humanist and moralist, 1947 nobel prize for literature) - â€œEverything has been said before, but since nobody listens we have to keep going back and beginning all over again.â€

So damn true, isn't it?

Posted by Sriram at December 12, 2007 11:01 PM

How timely a posting. After attending a get-together yesteday evening, I chastized myself (in my mind, on the drive home) for not asking more about others. And now this post. I think that next time I am in such a position, I will remember to be honestly interested in others, and I am, I just tend to get a bit frozen in social situations and wait for others to show interest in me. Obviously something worth working on! thank you Tom.

Posted by Stephanie at December 15, 2007 10:57 AM

Any chance you could post the insightful comments the cabbie uttered to you (or at least your notes on the Amtrak ticket)?

Posted by H. Peter Schiller at December 20, 2007 9:24 AM