dispatches from the new world of work

100 Ways to Succeed #163:

"Being There" for Others

Dale Carnegie (How to Win Friends and Influence People) once famously said, perhaps all you need to know to get ahead, in 29 words: "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

Mr Carnegie's observation-commandment came to mind when a good friend asked me to contribute to a compilation of "best advice I ever got" stories he was putting together. I thought for a long time about his "simple" request. And here's where I ended up:

Could attending a funeral count as "best piece of advice" I ever got? For me, yes.

My Grandfather Owen Snow (my Mom's side) ran a little country store in Wicomico Church, Virginia, in a part of the state called the "Northern Neck." As you might expect, we grandkids loved hanging out in the store—there were still barrels of this and that back in the late '40s and even the '50s. Sometimes Grampa Owen would let us measure something out—and he would turn tyrant if we ever shorted someone by even a fraction of an ounce. He'd always pile a little something extra into a can of 10-penny nails, or whatever. One also noticed, to the extent that a kid could, that he always took his time with people, listened to their stories, and treated them with the utmost respect.

I was in the Navy in Port Hueneme, California, when Grampa Owen passed away. We were days from a deployment to Danang, Vietnam, but my commanding officer didn't hesitate for a second in giving me four days' leave, even though I was the so-called Embarkation Officer—there's a lesson for another day in that, too. Anyway, I made it to Wicomico Church in plenty of time for the service. Did I tell you it was a truly pipsqueak town, with, I'd guess, a population of 400 or 500, though my memory is cloudy? The roads were still pretty primitive, and it'd been dry for a while. Around 8 a.m., the service was at 10, the dust started to stir. In short order, it was a veritable dust storm. The upshot of all this is that over 1,000 people showed up. I talked to several of them, whom I didn't know. It seemed as if Grampa Owen had lent each and every one a helping hand at one time or another—good advice, a call to someone somewhere who might help them out, an extended period of credit, a few bucks out of his pocket, whatever, and whatever.

The "lesson" that funeral taught me was the power of decency and thoughtfulness. It wasn't that my Mom and Dad hadn't done a lot of that, but this was the Ultimate Technicolor Illustration. In the most unassuming way, Grandpa Owen had "been there" for an entire community and beyond—and a great dust storm of people, some, who'd moved, from 100 miles away, had come to say one last thanks. If there isn't a crystal-clear message, and, de facto, advice in that, I don't know where you'd find it.

To make the obvious more obvious, if necessary: How do you (me!) stack up on The Great "Being There" Exam? It's a "life question"—and a "business-career success question" with few, if any, peers.

Tom Peters posted this on 05/04/09.

Comments

A "dust storm of people" is an evocative image.

Just come back from helping at a Cub Scout camp (my son is a member and wife helps as a leader). I was blown away by the level of commitment and sheer hard work and effort the volunteer leaders in these organisations put into what they do.

What binds us as humans, what makes society really work is that ordinary people give so much of themselves so willingly.

Posted by PaulH at May 5, 2009 5:09 AM

Paul,

Love what you shared. I will add one (personal) thought on the heels of it: to me, it's not about who has all the money or power... it's those "ordinary" people that give of themselves... they ARE TRULY EXTRAORDINARY!"

Someone (in another of Tom's blog comment threads) recently made the comment: "People make the difference." I beg to disagree slightly (okay BIG time), because people don't make the difference... people ARE the difference.

Posted by Dan Gunter at May 5, 2009 8:15 AM

"People make the difference." I beg to disagree slightly (okay BIG time), because people don't make the difference... people ARE the difference."

There is no relevant being without making. My brother Rob made a very significant point the other day: "Just waking up is the lowest level of existence," he said, even though it is waking that is most essential. But it is what we do with our waking hours that is important. It is the MAKING of our lives for others that matters most.

Sartre distinguishes between being that exist in-itself (en-soi) and that which exist for-itself (pour-soi). The whole notion of being IN itself or FOR itself is never merely enough because it is still about SELF; BUT being of value requires making conscious decisions, as we are all in the world AMONG others, whether in the business or personal world. Being (existence) is basic.

In this regard, People MAKE the difference, although the fact that we ARE cannot be denied--obviously.

Posted by Judith Ellis at May 5, 2009 6:13 PM

TP - I love your grandfather's example. Thank you for the story; it's appreciated.

Posted by Judith Ellis at May 5, 2009 6:15 PM

Carnegie spoke absolute wisdom.

Posted by Andres Agostini at May 7, 2009 4:39 AM

california viagra What a great story about your grandfather's funeral and how you consider the story as part of the best advice ever given. Stories such as that "stick" and can be passed on and your being there exam is powerful.

The opposite is a bad funeral where you did not learn anything and the service might not have even represented the person or it was planned by people who did not know the person well. Leaves one feeling empty.

Posted by Jann Freed at May 11, 2009 6:21 PM