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"Soft"?
Never!
Try: Money in the Bank!
Try: Civility!

I am hooked on the "power of civility" and the "power of thoughtfulness" as the Number One Long-term Moneymaker.

(As well as a virtuous way to live.)

Three books that you ...
MUST READ.
The first is new:
The Cost of Bad Behavior: How Incivility Is Damaging Your Business and What to Do About It, by Christine Pearson and Christine Porath. In his Foreword, my pal, the incomparable Warren Bennis, claims that this book will be shelved next to the likes of Silent Spring and Unsafe at Any Speed—that is, it's a game-changer. I think he has a point. The "best" lawyers routinely lose jury trials to "ordinary" lawyers because the superstars hector witnesses and otherwise come across as bullies. The "best" surgeons, lacking or short on emotional intelligence, are sued every time they pick up a scalpel—and their mediocre counterparts make errors galore, but stay away from the courtroom courtesy great bedside manner. (The stats here are remarkable!) Customers are lost through rudeness—to less effective but more civil competitors. Top employees are lost by the bushel in rude workplaces—even if such workplaces offer great technical opportunities.

Etc.

You are a damn fool (he said ever so rudely!!) if you don't read-ingest-act on-treat as "strategic" this book.

In the same vein are a pair of books by E.M. Forni:

Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct

The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude

What can I say?

I was near tears as I read them!

They are so very very very right!

They have such a powerful set of messages ... for you and me!

(Or at least me.)
Herewith some excerpts, starting with Forni's decision to get into the "civility business." Bizarrely, he is a professor of Italian literature at Johns Hopkins, who in 2000 started the Johns Hopkins Civility Project:

"For many years literature was my life ... One day, while lecturing on the Divine Comedy, I looked at my students and realized that I wanted them to be kind human beings more than I wanted them to know about Dante. I told them that if they knew everything about Dante and then went out and treated an elderly lady on the bus unkindly, I'd feel that I had failed as a teacher."—P.M. Forni, Choosing Civility

"The letter from the public relations director of the retirement community was similar to many I had received over the years. It included the date and time of the talk I was soon to give there, directions on how to get to the lecture hall, and other sundry bits of information. As I absentmindedly perused it, the sentence at the very bottom of the sheet caught my attention. It read: 'We will have a glass of water available at the podium.' Of course it is not uncommon for speakers to find a glass of water at the podium—although I have given many a speech without that basic comfort. For the first time, however, a host had taken the trouble of reassuring me in advance that the water would await me at the appointed place and time. An act that many would consider almost negligible was made significant by virtue of being put in writing. Here was someone trying to do all she could to make her guest feel welcome and at ease. The message she conveyed was 'We value you and your presence among us, and we are thinking of all you might possibly need. Rest assured that, as far as we are concerned, you will have the opportunity to perform at your best.' All I had to do, in other words, was relax and enjoy their hospitality. It was thoughtful professionalism at its best."—P.M. Forni, The Civility Solution (from "Eight Rules For a Civil Life," #7: "Pay Attention to the Small Things")

"I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition; and in answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but that in the present case there 'appeared' or 'seemed to me' some difference, etc. The conversation I engaged in went more pleasantly; the modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction; I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right."—Benjamin Franklin (in The Civility Solution)

"Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness."—Lucius Annaeus Seneca (in Choosing Civility)

"Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind."—Henry James (in Choosing Civility)

"Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: For thereby some have entertained angels unawares."—Paul of Tarsus (in Choosing Civility)

"I can live for two months on a good compliment."—Mark Twain (in Choosing Civility)

Over to you ...
(This post has been on the front burner for some days—the coincidence of its arrival today, following Congressman Joe Wilson's decidedly uncivil outburst last night in the United States House of Representatives, is just that ... coincidental. But, indeed, powerful illustration of the points made above. Wilson's career may not be over, though a prospective rival raised a lot of money after the "occasion," but at the least any leadership aspirations the Congressman may have had are most likely DOA.)

Tom Peters posted this on 09/10/09.

Comments

Tom, thanks for sharing this. I will add this to my "must read" list for the next Amazon order. It never ceases to amaze me how the simple things that make all the difference in the world get shoved aside for more "technical" matters. At an incalculable cost, might I add.

Posted by Dan Gunter at September 10, 2009 12:07 PM

I’ve NEVER believed you have to be a b*****d to be successful in business (or indeed any walk of life). I simply don’t buy the myth created and perpetuated that leaders have to be hard. The best managers I’ve met and the best leaders I’ve worked for have always been kind and humble – some to the point of self deprecation. They make people feel special. They don’t ball people out. They don’t put their own ego above all else. They say please. They say thank you. I suspect the best leaders had a Mother who slapped them if they didn’t. This stuff is not complicated and you can’t ‘teach’ it.

Posted by Trevor Gay at September 10, 2009 2:21 PM

Interesting to read Gail Collins editorial in the NYT today on "the end of civility"

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/10/opinion/10collins.html?_r=1&ref=opinion

Posted by Todd Spare at September 10, 2009 8:12 PM

I have shared this before, but its a personal credo...

Just welath enough to give and spare,
Just health enough to banish care
Just friends enough sincere and true
What more want we
What more want you

The sentiment is be gentle with each other or simply as you put it Tom "be kind"

However, as it starts early, my children suffer the pain of the lack of kindnest that children sometimes show to each other and as a parent, I send them back out into a world that is often un-kind, it doesn't always seem like the kindest thing to do? But I do so with hope that everyone can learn.

As I have been typing I was also reminded of a recent story a friend relayed of our shared boss at one time. I would say that their lack of kindness as a Boss towards me driven partially from their desire to succeed and a culture that supported and rewarded a hard line cushioned by money so as to avoid litigaton, led me to a conclusion only once in my life to walk into work and resign. Strange how in their new role at the Post Office as a manager they have found themselves delivering letters on behlaf of the work force during periods of strike!

My conclusion is that of what you give out you do get back, I have been encouraging my children to be stoically kind, despite being at odds with the me me me culture in our classrooms and work places.

The best successes I have personally encounted have been based on a kindness approach.

Why be anything else but kind. Have the best of days.

Patrick

Posted by patrick at September 11, 2009 2:29 AM

Amen. Yet (politely) I hope and believe that, at least for most people, civility is intrinsically worthwhile, based on genuine respect and a desire to do the decent thing by others. Any power it has to be "the Number One Long-term Moneymaker" is merely a happy side-effect for some, not the reason to adopt it. Civility has to be lived, not just done as a business strategy. Insincere civility is what gets us to "your call matters to us" as we wait and wait on hold, increasingly alienated and over-dosed on Vivaldi.

Posted by RobCH at September 11, 2009 3:30 AM

Wilson was out of line during Obama's speech, but he should have held his ground. These politicians can't even call someone out and hold their ground. If he thought Obama was lying, he should have given good reason for his outburst and not backpedaled. What a wimp...I wouldn't provide him any money either.

If he was just calling Obama a liar because of partisan politics, he should be thrown out of the House and replaced by a Democrat as a punitive measure. If these guys are that stupid, we don't need them anywhere near the White House...there's plenty of stupidity already!!!! viagra online order

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I would like to see more fighting on the floor and challenging of leadership at all levels...even during Presidential addresses. These guys are getting paid way too much behind closed doors to serve maters instead of the populace anyway. I'm a little bored with Obama's I'm saving the world silliness anyway. He saved the economy, reinvented the internet, got his name in Webster's, and will probably be my next family doctor. Yawn. Put some legs under the economy or everything else won't matter much to people.

They all have lied at some point in their careers...they're politicians and lawyers for crying out loud...and therein lies the problem (pedigree).

Posted by The Joker at September 11, 2009 10:02 AM

Hi Tom from Pittsburgh,

Thanks for the "Civility" book recommendation - I was looking for a few good reads for vacation.

Interesting coincidence.

While reading your post, thinking about Mr. Wilson's "O'Bama outburst" and remembering my high school American history, it called to mind a young George Washington's 110 Rules of Civility which are based on a 16th-century set of rules by Jesuit priests. Most of the rules deal with etiquette, but indirectly deal with moral issues too.

Check out historian Richard Brookhiser's "Rules of Civility: The 110 Precepts That Guided Our First President in War and Peace" as well.

See more info and all of George Washington's 110 Rules of Civility at NPR here:
http://tinyurl.com/5hxcxv

See Brookhiser's "Rules of Civility" Amazon Book link here: http://tinyurl.com/lhq4or

It's amazing what we can learn from the Faiths of our Fathers...and Mothers too!

God Bless.

Posted by Stephen Wayhart at September 11, 2009 10:24 PM

I don't approve of Joe Wilson, but what do I know.
http://www.politico.com/blogs/bensmith/0909/Wilson_campaign_Fundraising_breaks_1_million_passes_Miller.html

Posted by zorro at September 12, 2009 8:12 PM

Thank you for sharing.
As I was shopping with my mother who is getting along in her years, my heart was filled with love and compassion as I watch her entering into her elderly years.
My heart opened so wide to see her moving slower, having trouble with her balance and I thought to myself what is the greatest gift I can give to this beautiful person before me and the word "dignity" came to my mind.
Something I could do for her was give her dignity and grace and above all else kindness and love and yes if that equals civility than I pray I am on the right path in life.
Diana Nicholas

Posted by Diana Nicholas at September 14, 2009 12:12 PM

"I pray I am on the right path in life."

Have no doubt Diana - you are! My Mom is now 80 and I have exactly the same thoughts :-)

Posted by Trevor Gay at September 14, 2009 12:31 PM

This resonates. It seems to me that rudeness is now tolerated because it is accepted as characteristic of a generation. I am expected to accept that anyone under 30 can ignore me or be rude because that is "Gen Y". where to buy real viagra without prescription

No, its just rude

Posted by Gary Arcus at September 17, 2009 7:50 AM

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Gary - agree with you totally Sir. There is something quite pathetic about some artificial and arbitrary label being used to excuse appallingly bad manners. (I don't actually know or care what "Gen Y" means)

Posted by Trevor Gay at September 17, 2009 11:50 AM